Think Of The Words!

The fabulous bitches over at Go Fug Yourself have drawn my attention to a battle so huge, so all-encompassing, that each of us must take part. The urgency of this call-to-arms blows that “End Petlessness” crap right the fuck out of the water.
You see, people are now so stupid that they don’t know how to use words any more. They know how to text “OMFGWTHHWTB?!” but they certainly can’t spell anything or tell the difference between “your” and “you’re.” So is it any wonder that the complicated and delightfully specific words of past eras are forgotten? No, it’s no wonder. But it’s a goddamm shame.
But now there’s something that we, the throwbacks, the literate can do to avert this growing crisis.
The OED is now offering us the opportunity to adopt a word. All one needs do is select a word that has fallen through the cracks of society and promise to use it in conversation or in print.

I have adopted 2 words. I figure I talk a lot and I can substitute my new shelter-words for a few “fucks” and “assholes.”
My newly adopted words, unlike adopted children, may become my favorites. They’re pretty adorable.

Venustation: Noun. The act of causing to become beautiful or handsome.
“I was going to help that guy out with a little venustation, but i realized that what was under the beard wasn’t worth the time.”

Sevidical: Adjective. Speaking cruel and harsh words.

“I know it sounds like I’m being sevidical, but that was a direct quote from your mom.”

Posted in Cooparticipation, If I Had Pants On They Would Be Smart, Sara, Super-Awesome | 2 Comments

I Didn’t Know They Would Be Black Sheep

So I haven’t been a-bloggin’ much lately because I’m in a bad mood (but not a funny one) and I’m trying to focus my literary bile on some other projects right now. But I have today off and “Blind Journey” is the Little House Episode so I thought I’d throw you a bone. (But not you. Not with that face.)

Here are the things that have been making me not want to kill people lately.

My Halloween Costume

Barbara Kruger

This

And Tiny Food

This weekend I’ll be going to another festival, and you know how I feel about that shit, so I’m sure I’ll have something to say next week sometime.

Now I’m going to go watch Mrs. Oleson learn about what a horrible racist shit she is.

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Home Decor Idea Shout Out

Awesome! Thanks, badderhomesandgardens. Not only do you make me laugh and feel a little smarmy and smug every day, (great combo, by the way) but now you’ve given me a solution to my scrapey-antique-chair-leg problem.

Four On the Floor, Chad

Now, my décor is more grandma-meets-mid-century-modern-robot than, um, tube sock, but in principle, I’m doing this. Which means I’ll have to get off my ass and find some perfect knit material, make a pattern, and sew the fuck out of these little fuckers. Yawn. I have to go take a nap now because of how awesome I anticipate myself being.

Posted in Craft-ish, Happy Ho-makers, Ho-made, Other people's shit, Sara, Super-Awesome | Leave a comment

Fuck A Parade. I Love A Festival

You know what I love? A fucking festival. And you know which one I love the most? The Polish Festival.

It. Is. Fucking. Rad.

It’s rad for oh, so many reasons. And I like it far more than the Greek Festival, also for oh, so many reasons.

Exhibit A:

“But Sara” you say, “The Greek Festival has sweet little Greek Grandmas selling pastries!”

BAM!

“But Sara, The Greek Festival has lamb! And Sausage! And beer!”

Well, the Polish festival has delicious kielbasa and perogies, not to mention the most amazing potato pancakes this side of my house! So there.

“But Sara, I can’t get drunk and act like a big asshole like at the Greek Festival.”

That’s okay, Chad, you go to the Greek Festival. Drink some beer, embarrass your mother by christening the narthex of the lovely Greek Orthodox Church with urine, shout some expletives regarding the sexual proclivities of the Greeks.

I’ll be drinking Honey wine at the Polish Festival. (They have an impressive selection of beer too, but I’m a lady.)

The Polish Festival also has, hands down, one of the best collections of ethnic music groups at any festival in Portland. The polka band in the community hall is amazingly high energy, considering that they play for the dancers for something like 6 hours.

And on the outdoor stage there is a rotating series of groups ranging from children’s choirs, traditional music and folk dancers to the local favorite Chervona who rip up the stage for several hours on the Saturday night of the festival. This year they were no disappointment. The crowd, which included surprisingly few hipsters and loads of Polish families and older couples) didn’t stop moving for 2 hours as Chervona wailed their gypsy-punk into the September night.

 

Chervona Will Take Home Your Underpants

 

Posted in Fucking Hipsters, Outings, Sara, Super-Awesome, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

The Oregon Goddamn State Fair

There are ways to go to the state fair and there are ways not to go to the state fair. All things considered, I think we made the right choice. Although I did end up taking a lot of unnecessary pictures of cows.

Moo, Bitches

And a few of pigs. But the pigs turned against me and started to riot and I had to flee to the goat pavilion. Or maybe I just got a little freaked out because they’re HUGE. And then Liz reminded me that they eat people. Maybe I watch too much Deadwood.

This Pig Is Clearly Hungry For Human Flesh

I have not been to the Oregon State Fair since I was 15. So, for about 7 years. Guess what? It’s almost exactly the same. Except no feathered roach clips.

Can You Believe This Guy Didn't Have Feathered Roachclips?

Don't Be Stupid. It's A Banana Stand. Why Would They Have Roachclips?

It’s like an alternate universe where everything is exactly like it was in 1987 except there are no feathered roach clips. And this time your mom’s not there to tell you that you can’t get an airbrushed neck tattoo.

Thug Life

So we ate a corndog and some shaved ice, ‘cause we’re Americans.

Get Your Corndog Out Ma Face. I Got Mine.

It Looks Like She Likes Him, But She's Just Bossing Him Around

But Liz and I had a Higher Purpose. You know what the best thing is about having an ever-increasing Hispanic population in Oregon? I mean besides pissing off old white people. One can now get corn-on-the-cob with queso at the Oregon State Fair. Aw yeah.

Her Corn

My Corn

I also tried a funnel cake, on very strict instructions. My verdict? Meh. It’s no corn-on-the-cob with queso.

Speaking of pavilions (and we are speaking of pavilions), we also wandered over to the American Handicrafts Pavilion and checked out the requisite canning, quilting and abnormal vegetable displays.

Nice Eggplant

They also had blue-ribbon pies.

Mmmm, Floor Pie.

And cake vaginas.

Put Some Underpants On! Jeez!

And of course some things really never change.

Just 2 Questions!

The Republican Party Would Like To Give You A Gun.

Here was the best part though.

No, silly. Not the chicken.

Scary-Fun!

The fair-lift. That’s right, You can now sit on a rickety ski-lift and be flown jerkily across the entire length of the fairgrounds! And once you get over the fact that you might die, you notice that you can see everything!

Yup, That's A Fair All Right.

Like a giant pig!

Really, How Much Bigger Do They Need to Be?

Or 1954!

And then the sky went all “Something Wicked This Way Comes” so we took some pictures.

And in closing, The Fair has some advice for you about your manners.

Behave Yourself

Posted in Outings, Sara, Super-Awesome, Travelogue, Uncategorized | 6 Comments

You Stepped In Something

This is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen.* And that’s saying a lot, because I’ve seen you. SNAP!

Jesus. Really?

I guess these are for people who are so fucking uncool that they can’t get dirt on their own shoes. Maybe they’re too shy to go to the stupid hipster electro-pop orchestral fart-music bar and get their toes legitimately stepped on by others of their smelly, cock-stached, girly-pantsed ilk. Too bad for them. Guess they’re going to have to pay one-hundred-and-fifty-fucking-dollars for a 30 dollar pair of shoes.

On a related note, these are the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. Which is also saying a lot because I’ve seen your mom. Naked.

*Sorry Dom. You rock and are probably cool enough to get away with wearing stupid shoes.

Posted in Fucking Hipsters, Murderous Rage, Sara, Uncategorized, You Look Stupid | 3 Comments

Cho ‘Nuff

We like and admire Margaret Cho for a number of reasons. Here are several of them.

1: She’s pretty. When we saw her at the Schnitzer on the first night of her new tour, Dependent, Margaret was dressed casually, but still looked gorgeous and was wearing awesome shoes. She also sported a very cool tattoo of a gun in a garter holster on her left thigh. Plus, she knows she’s hot and doesn’t give a fuck what you think.

2: She swears a lot. Duh. You know we love some fancy ladies with mouths like longshoremen.

3: Margaret Cho makes it ok for us to be part of the GLBT community, even though we’re straight. She loves cock and still thinks that it’s important to extend civil rights to everyone, everywhere. As little faghags growing up, we sometimes felt excluded from the community that we loved and supported. So we are grateful to Margaret for drawing us into that inner circle with her.

4. She talks about poop a lot. The poop humor in the beginning of Dependent is as funny as the story in Revolution about shitting her pants in her car on the freeway. This is a picture of Margaret Cho talking about pooping.

Yes, I Took it With My Cellphone. Shut the Fuck Up.

5. She has given me the perfect answer for bigots. The gay marriage dispute hits on a lot of converging issues in American political culture right now. Mostly though, it comes down to religion and the public’s fairly limited understanding of the actual constitution. Because this should not be an issue we are even called upon to address. Homosexuals should be given the same access to government sanctioned marriage as straight people. There’s no question about it. There’s no wiggle room in the call for separation of church and state. It’s not about your feelings, and frankly it’s not about mine. It’s about legislating for one groups morality and directly against another. Which is pretty much what the constitution is intended to protect us from. So there’s not really anything to talk about. Which is why from now on I intend to use Margaret’s reply when someone tells me that although they like gay people they don’t think they should be allowed to get married.

“Oh. Fuck you then.”

‘Nuff said.

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